Back to China

Oh, the transition. Coming back to China is a little shocking. Surprisingly, the cold wasn’t the worst of it. Granted, I am bemoaning the fact that two days ago I was wearing shorts and sandals and sweating and today I am wearing long underwear and sitting in front of my space heater.
But coming back to China I was immediately struck with (1) my confusion, (2) my incompetence, (3) my ability to stand out in every crowd, (4) my aloneness. When the lady made us (my friend Tre’ and I) get off the airport shuttle one stop early, I was so confused. I kept insisting that we wanted to go to the next stop, but she just shoveled us off and we were left on some random Shanghai sidewalk encompassed by our luggage. I was still confused when several taxis refused to take us to our hotel. Surely there was a reason, but all I knew was that we were stranded, cold, tired, and confused. Anyway, we got to our hotel eventually.
I forgot that so many people in Thailand speak English. You can just say English words to them and they understand. Not so in China. I feel very incompetent when I can’t speak the language. I was thinking about being illiterate, because I am right now, and it is quite disempowering. You never know what’s going on and always feel like you are doing the wrong thing. Probably you are. It’s frustrating when a crowd of people gathers around, trying to be helpful, but everyone is telling you things you don’t understand. They shake their heads in bewilderment when they realize you have no idea what they are talking about. Can you really be so clueless? Why yes, in fact.
In case I haven’t mentioned this before, let me tell you now: people in China stare. A lot. I forgot how much. I was used to the casual, half interested glances of Thai people who see a bazillion tourists. I had forgotten that in China, people stop in their tracks, turn around, point their fingers, and cry out “Lao wai! Lao wai!” (word for foreigner, literally meaning “outsider”). Probably the only other foreigners going through the Yangzhou bus station this week (or month?...) will be my teammates, so I guess they feel the need to get in their twenty seconds of open staring. But I get to stare back. I appreciate that.
China feels further away from the US. In Thailand, I kept thinking about home because so many things reminded me of it. I guess in a mixed blessing, there's not much about China that reminds me of good old Mei guo. I feel very far away, and all the people staring make me aware that I am alone. Surrounded by billions of people, I am the one that’s the outsider. And now that I don’t have friends around, I have to resort to talking to myself again. Sometimes I’m a boring person to talk to.
This sounds so negative. Life isn’t all negative. I rather like my life. I just spent half the winter in Thailand. And I just watched an inspiring teacher movie that makes me slightly enthused about starting classes in a few days. I’m happy to be back in my apartment. I like having internet again. And I had a happy dinner of Hui noodles and milk tea. All in all, not such a bad homecoming.