Loneliness

I realized that my nearest friend is 3 and ½ hours away. The others are hundreds or thousands and thousands of miles away. Most of them I will see once a year. With my teacher friends I am lucky – I see them twice a year. Imagine not having any friends in the same town or even the same state as you.

I have my team, it’s true. They can be friends, but they are more like family. When you live with people all the time, sometimes you get tired of seeing the same six faces. I mean, I always like to see Logan, but you can’t really talk to him. Imagine not seeing anyone outside your family.

Of course I am beginning to find Chinese friends. It is such a slow process. Becoming friends, real friends, with a person takes time anyway, and it seems to take twice as long when you misunderstand half of what the other is trying to say. Those moments of connection, of feeling like you’re on the same ground, are very few. I miss being able to laugh and talk without considering every word. I miss not having to explain what cereal is, why I like candles in my house, and the wonder of being able to drive a car. I miss people who know me, or at least understand a little bit of where I’m coming from.

I have students that I like seeing and spending time with. They want to be friends. Mostly our times are question and answer fire-back, trying to understand the oddities of each other’s culture and ideas. The other day one of my students came over to ask for advice about a situation. We had a real back-and-forth conversation for about half an hour, and that was enjoyable. I was happy that she trusted me and would want to come to me. But with my students, I am always still their teacher. There is always a distance, with them looking up to me, regardless of the fact that I’m barely older than they.

Anyway, I spend probably ¾ of my life alone (and standing up in front of a classroom is hardly “hanging out” with others). I can’t talk to my co-workers beyond two minute “Hi, how are you” interactions on the stairs. I can stay in my apartment and be alone by myself, or I can go out and be alone with hundreds of other people (many of whom are staring and pointing at me). I like having my own apartment, but I get tired of talking to myself or to my dying plant Leo.

When I was with the other teachers in Thailand, we realized we had kind of forgotten how to carry on normal conversation. We just sat around waiting for someone to fire questions at us. We kept forgetting words we wanted to say.

I have gained new friends, in that I now know people all across China. I have become almost closer to some of my friends back home because of all the year has brought us through. But e-mail gets lame. I’m tired of having to schedule a phone conversation a week ahead of time. I wish that I could show up at a friend’s house. I wish I could go out to dinner or for coffee or just go to Walmart with friends! I wish I could say, “Hey, come over. I need you.”

You don't have to feel all bad for me. I did choose this. I'm just letting you know how it is.