Sarcastic Wednesday meets Optimistic Thursday

Every so often we have these shockingly clear days. This morning when I opened my curtains, I stopped and stared outside in amazement. I’m not quite sure, but it seems like the transformation that might occur when you put on glasses. Or what the character saw in The Great Divorce when he stepped onto the painfully real grass of heaven and realized he was just a shadow. The leaves are startlingly, sharp and even the laundry, flapping in the wind, seems crisper than usual. The yellow flowers bending over Stinky River seem iridescent, and for once I don’t think it is caused by radioactive waste. Colors are brighter, and the sky is blue – really, truly blue.

I read a cool verse which I’ve read before but makes perfect sense now, in light of this clarity. “The creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.” That will be a sight even better than the transformation in Beauty and the Beast, and I feel like today is a tiny glimpse of what it will look like.

In honor of this day, and because of my recent paranoia of being a negative person, I have decided to spend the day thinking of every possible positive thing. I will even try not to be sarcastic. We’ll see how that goes. And I will try to not be annoying like Pollyanna. Oh goodness. If I am ever like Pollyanna, please, please, please berate me.

1. I drank coffee. Every day that begins with coffee, though it be the worst day of your life, is redeemable, eh?
2. I already noted that the weather was amazing, and weather totally affects my mood. So, imagine, I was in a great mood yesterday.
3. Since the weather is warmer, students have shed coats and pulled back out their Chinglish shirts. In my class I saw the following shirts:
1. Funk for Real
2. Georgia Childe
3. Fine Shaper
4. It’s not nice to be so sarcastic.

I almost screamed when I saw (d), it was so hilarious. And then I got suspicious. God, are you trying to tell me something?

4. My students gave some impressive dialogues in class. I was pretty proud of them, seeing as they are just freshmen.
5. The class, which is usually crazy-quiet and unresponsive, actually talked and interacted and laughed at me. It’s hard to perform without an audience, and really I don’t teach: I perform. I dance and twirl and tell jokes and flop around in my clown shoes and impress them with my funny clothes. Anyway, that’s what it feels like sometimes.
6. I taught a lesson on stress, which was oh-so-appropriate to us all. They related to it a lot. Some of them are freakishly stressed, and they were glad to talk about ways to relieve stress.
7. Kevin sent me a “Sarcastic Wednesday” hallmark e-card. It was funny. He knows me well.
8. I bought plants. No, that was actually the day before, but it is still a good thing. I love having happy little green things around and trying to keep them alive. I have a hanging ivy named Desi and some other kind of plant named Fera. They are currently sitting happily under my window and OH NO! Starting to droop! Quick with the water! Emergency rescue! I’m still working off my black thumb.
9. Two of my students came over and we had a great time learning together. We have a deep enough relationship that we can be really open and honest with one another, which I find so refreshing. They both seem to be as thirsty as my little plants. It’s one of my favorite parts of the week.
10. Corrine started a first in what will hopefully be a series of purity lectures for the junior English major girls. She talked about maturity and how our decisions affect us, and it seemed to go really well. They listened! They even responded and laughed some! We are hoping we’ll be able to open it up to more students, and continue on with topics like morals, self-respect, sex, AIDS, and love. We are really excited.
11. Get this: I made the paper! Not only that, I made a huge picture on the front page of the Yangzhou Times. A big, colorful picture of me and Katrina walking down the street the day before. We are both scowling nicely. When Corrine and I went to a little restaurant outside of campus to buy dinner, the owner came running over and shoved the newspaper in our face. I drew back in surprise and then doubled over with laughter. That’s what you get for being a foreigner. Instant celebrity.
12. Neither Kevin nor I had any activities going on last night so we got to talk for a long time. We laughed, which is always enjoyable, since we tend to be too serious. He laughed at me, which is always enjoyable, since sometimes I live to be laughed at. We worked on figuring out a) honeymoon, b) reception food, and c) photographers. Probably some other things that I no longer remember as well. It was good. It was as close to being able to just hang out as we can get without actually being together.
13. It is now just 33 days until I see Kevin again.
14. All of these good things were actually from yesterday and there were probably more. But I ended the day by kind of collapsing in tiredness, and when I stopped being able to form sentences or even say words correctly, I decided I should probably go straight to bed and avoid doing anything that involved a) contact with other people, b) trying to carry items, c) getting anywhere near stairs, and d) Definitely avoid writing anything that other people would have to read.

So here we go. I tried not to be sarcastic but, well, my talent as a writer is highly limited. Without randomness and sarcasm, I am paralyzed. I would turn into Pollyanna or a cheesy Christian romance writer, which would probably be my worst personal nightmare. So my new resolve: I will try to be more positive in my sarcasm, how is that? I do like life. I like it a lot. I like it even better when I can make fun of myself. Off to drink some more coffee and start another beautiful day in the neighborhood.

The Bash Box

This whole first part that I’m about to tell you has a purpose, and I’ll go on and tell you the purpose so you can prepare yourself. I am telling you all of this in hopes that you will feel sorry for me and not think I’m crazy. (Good luck with that one).

I have been crazy stressed. It’s different from the stress I’m used to feeling. It’s not that I’m-so-busy-I-can’t-breathe stressed, or the I-have-five-papers-due stressed. It’s more of a long term anxiety that is pretty hard to pinpoint. I think it’s related to a lot of things.

Note: The parenthetical comments are the things I hear you saying in my head as you read this. I thought I would include that for accuracy.

My List of Reasons You Should Feel Bad For Me:

1. After almost 24 years of singleness (Everyone who is older than me…uh, that’s almost everyone I know: You are how young?), I am about to become a married person. That’ll be a little bit of a transition. (All married people: Y’think??).

2. In preparation for said marriage, I am discovering that I am quite a selfish , clueless person, who is sometimes a downright jerk (Someone out there: It’s about time you realized.)

3. I am also finding out that I am such a girl. I know, the gender identity thing usually comes at around three or five or so. I’ve known I was a girl. I just didn’t realize I was such a girl. All of a sudden I’ve started crying all the time (My friends: gasp). I’ve never been a crier, and now tears suddenly seem like a reasonable response to being stressed, upset, tired, hurt, sick, pmsing, overwhelmed, confused, smelling something gross, or losing my other sock. When I complain and worry about this sudden crazy person who has come to inhabit my life, my friends have all responded in like form: “Um, you’re a girl.” I’m either highly relieved or terribly insulted. Maybe both.

4. Speaking of bad smells, can that be a stressor? Because my life has been smelling Bad. (Your life?) Ok, maybe not my life, but definitely Stinky River, which has a rather invasive presence in my life.

5. Hmm, where was I? Oh yes, everything in my life is about to change! My marital status, my job, my country, my place of residence, my name. And I will lose my crazy fan club, i.e. my students.

6. I am thinking about planning a wedding from a billion miles away. I say “thinking about” because it doesn’t feel like I’m able to do much more than stress about all I will need to do in the future. And look at 500 bridal sites online. And make myself feel better by making fun of all the ridiculous ways you can spend $50,000 on a wedding. Like a little purse to match your wedding gown. Who needs a wedding purse? You don’t carry a purse down the aisle. (Insulted voice of someone I don’t know: Hey, I liked my wedding purse.)

7. I am going to have to learn to cook. I mean, I can bake. I’m great at breads and deserts. The carb section is well taken care of. It’s just the other 5 categories I’m concerned about. Confession: I just looked up the food guide pyramid to see how many categories there are.

8. I am doing this crazy long distance relationship thing. I like the relationship part. It’s just the long distance part that I despise. Despise. That’s a descriptive word. I have gotten two kinds of well meaning advice and encouragement from people. A) People who have never been in a long distance relationship: “Oh, the time will go quickly!” B) People who have been in a long distance relationship: “I’m sorry - That sucks!” That alone gives me fuel for constant self pity as I imagine those people for whom engagement actually means being together sometimes (Yeah. ‘Cause you need more fuel for self pity.)

9. My feet are killing me. (What?? Now you’re just being ridiculous!) No really, they are. I’ve started limping by the end of every day. Not as bad as my teammate Matt, who is having leg trouble and thinking of buying a cane. Or maybe I was thinking of buying him a cane to be funny. Hmm, something like that. Mine is mainly from walking around and standing all day in bad shoes.

10. I know there was something else. Something really good, and if I could remember it then you would really feel sorry for me. Oh well. Just insert something really horrible and pitiable right here to conjure up the right emotion.

Where was I going with all of this? Oh yes. I was trying to make my life sound sad enough that you would feel bad for me instead of thinking I’m crazy. Pretty sure that didn’t work, so moving on to the subject matter: The Bash Box.

The Bash Box

All this stress I am feeling needs an outlet, and the other day Corrine brought up the perfect solution. Rather than breaking all the glass and china in your house—I haven’t done this, I swear. I’ve only thought about it—take out your anger on an innocent little box. I’m pretty sure that you will think this is such a good idea that you will immediately go and make one for yourself, as I did, so I will include the instructions. (Roman numerals. Oooh, fancy.) Yes, I thought so too.

I. Find an old but sturdy box, about the size of a shoebox. The uglier the better.

II. Find one or several pieces of glass, pottery, or china. This step is key. The bash box works best if said breakable item is the tackiest piece you own. Pick something that is so hideous it really should not exist on this earth.

III. Place indescribably-tacky item in ugly box.

IV. Cover box completely in heavy duty tape. Any kind of tape should work: packing tape, thick masking tape, pink duct-tape. This step is also key, as it could prevent shards of glass from finding their way into your little toe.

V. When angry, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or feeling any other emotion that normally drives you to mangling bubble wrap, run to the Bash Box instead.

VI. Throw it on the floor. Smash it into a concrete wall. Drop it down a flight of stairs. Kick it across the room. Yell at it. You choose.

VII. Listen to the satisfying sounds of indescribably-tacky glass breaking. Aaaah.

No damage to valuable items or persons! No messy clean up! One less tacky item in the world! What’s not to love?

Warning: This part will be included when I patent my item as well.

Do not use around small children as it could encourage aggressive tendencies.
Do not place the picture of a person on the box.
Do not use the box as a weapon.
The Bash Box is intended to divert stress and anger from living beings—people, animals, or plants—so as not to cause physical, mental, or emotional harm. The suggester of Bash Boxes will not be held responsible for any damages occurring from the use or misuse of this item.

Another Random Comment

I am sitting here cringing, waiting for the response. I imagine two groups of people. Group A) “She is crazy. I am afraid.” Group B, with British accent) “Brilliant! Positively brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that?” Applause. Rushing for the emergency psychiatric hotline. Save your time – I don’t think they pick people up in China. After all, I haven’t been committed yet. That tells you something.

Warning #2: Should you have to include two warnings in one blog entry? You know that all of this is tongue-in-cheek, right? Sarcastic girl – that’s me. I don’t really whine about my life all the time (People who know me: Yes you do). I’m not crazy. (People who know me: would be saying something right now but have already fallen out of chair laughing that I think I can get away with such a statement). Confession: I am crazy, and I want people to laugh at my crazy life. Even if it just laughing in relief that they suddenly seem so sane. Sigh. Anything for the sake of an audience.

Noise, Stench, Pollen, and Sunshine

I just opened my windows. The other day I didn’t even wear a coat to class and I only left on one layer of long underwear. (In that regard, I have become irrevocably Chinese and can’t imagine taking off my long underwear before it is positively causing me to sweat. Besides, I can get cold when it’s 80 degrees outside.) Even my students, besides the determined few down-coat wearers, are have conceeded to wearing mere jackets and sweaters.

I opened my windows and a nice warm breeze is blowing in. The noise of hundreds of voices is also blowing in, as swarms and swarms of students traipse under my window. For the past ten or fifteen minutes, an endless stream of art students have been making their way through campus. There must have been thousands of them, carting their large portfolios and toolbox-like supply kits. I guess they are hosting some sort of a test or performance or workshop or something this weekend. Colored flags decorate the front of the main building – a sure sign that something’s up.

I can’t open the back windows as the smell from Stinky River is unbearable. I have taken up all but sprinting the last block toward my apartment so I can avoid breathing as much as possible. We discovered why they dammed up the river, though. Past the dam, they are putting in some kind of pipes, so they needed the edges dried up for working. Dozens of blue-uniformed men have been sloshing around digging ditches along muddy edges of the river. Dozens of concrete pipes are lined up along the sidewalk ready to be installed. Piles of brick have started appearing on the walk from the apartments to the classroom building. I’m not sure what the brick is for. Still, I love it when things make sense: they dammed up Stinky River so they could do work further down the river, putting in pipes for…some reason or another. So logical.

The warm breeze is apparently also bringing in all kinds of allergens and pollutants. My eyes have been hurting a lot the past few days, and now that my head and throat are also bothering me, I’m thinking it must be allergies. The smelly, polleny days of Springtime have arrived. The sun is shining--did I mention the sun? The sky is still hazy, but the sun makes me so happy. Blossoms and leaves are appearing on the trees. I wake up to hear birds singing. Yep, we even have birds. The stores are restocking ice cream, and any time now the students will pack up their boots and start bringing out their scandalous skirts. Ahh, Spring.

Wedding Rules

Does it seem to anyone else like March has lasted forever? Why do we have all these 31 day months anyway?

Lately I have been frustrated. Well, lately I have been irritable, emotional, irrational, uptight, and frustrated. My friends reassure me it is just because I am stressed and a girl. I’m not sure if that is a relief or a horrible insult to the female gender, but whichever—I am driving myself completely nuts!

I think the hardest thing right now is feeling out of control. I am a typical westerner. Moving to China has just made me realize how much I like to be in control. Planning a wedding from the wrong side of the world has made me realize how little I can control. I’m not even doing a lot, because I can’t, and that is what bugs me most. Realizing there are so many things to figure out and not being able to figure out any of them.

Tonight I was talking with a teacher friend who is also getting married in the beginning of October. It was strangely comforting to hear her stress over wedding details as well. She has different things to worry about, of course. She is trying to figure out what is a traditional Chinese wedding (because they are such a blend of traditional and modern/western now) and what all the various rituals actually mean. She was talking about finding a dress (actually two dresses - a big white one and a traditional qi pao) and a photographer and a host. I was talking about changing the church and date for my wedding (which yes, I am in the process of doing), and also looking into photographers. I plan on going with her to get my dress made in a city nearby (where the most expensive styles are no more than $200), but I can’t see about that for a few more months.

She also explained that her parents had to find a good date for her to marry based on the lunar calendar. I was getting confused just hearing her talk about it, so I’m glad I don’t have to do that. In China, the number 8 is a good number (thus the Olympics are starting on 8/8/08), so many people will get married next year. “This year is actually not a good year to get married,” she said, “But since I will be married on October 2^nd, that is a good date.” She said October 6^th was the other good date she considered. She was excited to hear I had chosen that date and then disappointed to hear I would probably change to the 7^th.

“Seven is a good number in America, though,” I said. The number of perfection. Which is why so many people in America are getting married on 7/7/07. And we think we aren’t superstitious… I don’t really care about the good luck associated with 7, but I am a bit picky about numbers in general. 10/7/07. That seems like a nice date.

That’s not the reason I’m changing, btw. The original church decided to have all of these ridiculous regulations and nitpicky rules, as I am finding that many churches do (what is with churches anyway? I’m a bit annoyed…). The last straw was the “no pictures during the wedding” rule. I woke up the other morning in a bad mood (because it was 6:40am on a day I didn’t have to teach and someone was shooting off firecrackers, and because I have been in a bad mood for most of, oh, about two weeks…). So when I woke up in a bad mood I thought, “You know what. This is ridiculous. I want pictures of getting married! I am not being unreasonable—I just want pictures!” So that, among other things, caused for a change in plans.

Anyway, at this point, so long as something happens and at the end I am married – that’s great. And then Kevin and I will get to be together. I should not take that for granted. My teacher friend who is getting married in October – not so lucky. She and her boyfriend will get married. Then she will finish out the school year in Yangzhou while he finishes working in his own city. In the summer, they will move to live together. People do that in China! It completely blows my mind! I hate long-distance engagement. But long-distance marriage is pretty common here. Just so you know, I would not be okay with that. Not at all. I would be okay with the parents and in-laws buying (yes, buying) and furnishing a house for the new couple, which they also do here. But not at the expense of starting my married life separated from my husband. Give me a nice little trailer home any day.

I'm back

So I switched to Xanga because blogspot was blocked in China. Now Xanga is blocked in China and blogspot is back. Can you keep you keep up with this? Once again, change your "favorites" or "bookmarks" (because no doubt, I made it to one of those :) and follow me back to blogspot. I'll try to write more often than I have been doing too. I'll try to keep one step ahead of the firewall.

Address Change

Dear Blog Readers,

I have just changed my blog address. Same person, same blog, but in a different space. The new blog address is www.xanga.com/ruthie_marie. If you click on the link, it will take you there. If you type it in, remember the underscore in "ruthie_marie." Someone already had plain old ruthiemarie (what were they thinking??). Follow me to my new address to keep in touch this next year. Thanks for reading!

Ruth

Girl Talk

Last night as I was falling asleep I realized that I was engaged in conversation as the primary activity of at least 10 hours yesterday. This past weekend my college friend Mallary (known to my teammates as my “pink Texas friend”) came to visit. We woke up and lay in bed talking for an hour before finally getting up and eating breakfast. We sat in my room and talked for another three or four hours before getting hungry enough to stop talking and eat lunch. Then we sat on the floor and talked for another hour or two before driving to the airport. And of course, when we were eating and driving and everything we were talking too. After leaving Mallary at the airport I went over to see Jessie, my friend who I probably knew pre-birth. She just got back from a summer in Africa and is first person I know who has gone to Equatorial Guinea. We went to the Starbucks they just built in our no longer little town of Loganville and then sat outside her house talking until about 1am with the crickets and tree frogs. What did we talk about for 10 hours? Everything. Everything I haven’t had the chance to talk about all year in China. It's good to have friends you can tell anything to, no matter how weird or private, and trust them to understand and not think you are psycho. And they trust you enough to tell you everything too. I miss that in China. I am working to get in my talking allowance for the rest of the year...and doing pretty well with that so far.