Last Days

You never stop having new experiences in China, even up to the last days. For example, yesterday morning the English department had a breakfast banquet for us. I had never been to a breakfast banquet before. It contained all the normal formalities – numerous toasts, ridiculous amounts of food – but there were some differences. The food was different obviously – different kinds of baozi (steamed bread filled with meat or vegetables), various types of doufu, some vegetables, some shrimp, green tea. Mostly it wasn’t too bad (I stayed away from the shrimp. I can’t handle seafood in the morning.), but it was definitely a full meal.

Today, I rode a double-decker bus for the first time. I had always wanted to do that, but there is only one double-decker in town and it doesn’t go where I normally need to. It was interesting, riding through town today and really realizing I would be leaving. So many things have become normal life that it gets hard to see them anymore. I started to get that sentimental “everything-is-great-because-I-am-leaving” feeling. I appreciated the way the taxi driver expertly swerved in and out of traffic, narrowly missing bicyclists and pedestrians meandering across the road. I smiled at the three rows of cars on a two lane road. I noticed the number of pedicab drivers, calf muscles straining as they pedaled through the heat. There are so many trees in Yangzhou and so many friendly looking people. I laughingly carried on bits and pieces of conversations with store owners who didn’t seemed too bothered by my inability to understand them. Perhaps that was because I was buying up half the items in their store to bring back as gifts. And you know, after days of storm and rain, the sun is even shining. I almost thought that the sky was blue, but I think that is more accurately called gray. Anyway, the sky is a brighter shade of gray than normal. The air was still unbearably thick by late afternoon, reminding me of India. I’ve never been to India, but that is what I imagine it to be like, except that in my mind the smell of spices replaces the heavy odors of sewage.

I weighed my last bag and it is 3kg under the limit, which is good, since that was before I bought up half of the store. My apartment is nearly empty. All that’s left is to finish cleaning. I leave tomorrow morning at 5am and will arrive in Chicago just before midnight on the same day, around 30 hours later with about 30 hours to recover from jet lag before starting classes. Hmm, it seems that I should end with some profound observation. Some words of wisdom or advice or insight. But…I’m leaving in 6 hours and that just isn’t top on the priority list. So in the words of Logan, “Tortilla!!!” That just about says it all.

Frustration

Stinky River looks a bit perturbed. I would be perturbed too if I was a sickly, polluted green color. Even the water bugs sound angry, rising together in furious buzzing. And this morning a mosquito purposely charged right at my forehead – twice. Perhaps I am doing that psychological thing called forecasting or foreshadowing or, okay, none of those things. The thing where you see your own anger or frustration in other people (or in my case, bugs). I wouldn’t say I am perturbed, but I am definitely given to spontaneous frustration. There are a number of things in life I find particularly aggravate frustration. Packing, calculating grades, drawn out dinners, excess perspiration, large numbers of vicious mosquitoes, moving, switching countries, an unhappy stomach, nitpicky etiquette rules, messiness, capricious internet connections, and dizziness. In light of all these things, I am faced with a number of questions and uncertainties.

1. Why does everything take twice as long as expected, 5x as long if it involves any type of government office?
2. How do I manage to get so little marked off my to-do list, yet each day seems to drag on forever?
3. Why is it that at the end of the semester, there are always missing grades?
4. Who created all these nitpicky etiquette rules for weddings and why do we have to follow them?
5. Speaking of which, why are there always two envelopes in wedding invitations? What is the point? It seems like a lot of wasted paper to me.
6. Why does Skype always cut out when you need it the most?
7. Why does dizziness make you feel tired?
8. Where will the Brennans live next year? Am I about to say goodbye to them indefinitely, or will we get to be friends in California?
9. I came to China two years ago with two suitcases. So how do I have so much stuff?
10. Why do we move so much?
11. Why did I decide it would be a good idea to get a masters degree? Is that really necessary?
12. Why do I keep having to remind myself to breathe? Isn’t that supposed to be one of those unconscious activities?
13. Do we really have a breakfast banquet tomorrow morning at 7:30am? Who has breakfast banquets?
14. Why does the length of time left here seem inversely proportional to the length of my to-do list?
15. And seriously, what is the deal with these mosquitoes??

These questions sound hypothetical, but really - if you've got answers, I'd love to hear them.

All Sentiment, No Sarcasm (Almost)

One week from today I will be in America. This week is getting shorter and shorter. When I am talking to Kevin, battling the fuzzy disconnectedness to be understood, a week still seems like a really long time. When I am talking to students and see their sadness at my leaving, when I move through the goodbyes and best wishes and “happy every day,” it seems like I am already halfway gone.

Yesterday morning my friend Tammy came over to hang out. We haven’t spent as much time together this semester, and I forgot how easy she is to talk with. I can say things to her that don’t make sense, and she doesn’t worry about not understanding. She just assumes that sometimes I don’t make sense. That has to be a mark of a true friend.

Yesterday afternoon my first class of sophomore students came over for open house. I have taught them for two years and we have had a bond ever since the beginning. I feel like I know each one of them, even if I haven’t spent much time with them. They feel comfortable with each other, with me, and in my home. I put on my wedding dress and showed them my chipao. They yelled and cheered and sighed, “I want to marry!” I let them choose from piles of free things I was giving away. They went at the piles with glee, afterwards saying, “I chose this, Ruth. Thank you.” They are so polite and grateful. I was relieved to see these random things go to good homes, and I like the picture of several students wandering around campus in Asbury College shirts. One of the girls in the class, who I feel should be part of my family, made a book for me. She filled a sketch-book with colorful drawings and had her classmates write letters to me. Letters to me, to Kevin, even to our future children! It makes me laugh and cry and want to hug them all.

Kevin is leaving day after tomorrow. I know this seems silly when we have been apart for most of four months and when we are about to finally be together again--really and permantently together, but I am not looking forward to these next few days of being out of contact. At least we have been in the same country and on the same side of the world. At least we have been able to talk to each other. I am glad we have not had such a long-long-distance relationship.

Looking around my apartment, I can see that I am no where near ready to leave. Besides the exams to finish, grades to compile, final activities and goodbyes, my house still looks extremely lived-in. While most of my drawers and cabinets are emptied, the external decorations are still in place. They represent the part of me that is still resisting this change. When I see my shoes still piled up on the shelves by the door and the pictures hanging on the wall, just like they have been all year, I still feel like I belong. What makes a house a home? Sure, love and all that. But what makes a house look like home? Lamps and candles and throw pillows and curtains. I will spend most of the next four months shuffling around from place to place, living out of a suitcase. I am not yet ready to be displaced.

I sound so melancholy and sentimental. For all my dislike of Hallmark and Precious Moments (now I know I’ve offended some people), sometimes I am a little sentimental. That’s not too bad, I guess. It helps to balance out the sarcastic, cynical side that voices itself too often. See, at the heart of all that sarcasm is a sincere core. Touching, isn’t it?

I will be sad to leave. I would be sadder, but I keep thinking about donuts. I am ready for a powdered sugar, cream filled donut. America offers so many consolations for the displaced.

The people I have found

Life is too full of goodbyes, of moving on, of leaving people behind. That is one thing I like about marriage. I want someone I will never have to leave behind no matter what. Whatever happens and wherever we go and however many times we have to move, despite all the unknown people and unfamiliar places, we will always be together. I need something that doesn’t change.

There are just two weeks left here, and I have to admit, I am ready to go. I am ready to finish teaching, to finish grading, to give finals and turn in grades. I am ready to be surrounded by people who speak a language I understand. I think that will be pretty cool. Even though I will be immediately confronted by a month of classes and stress, I want to get on with it. I want to be with Kevin. Now that I have started packing and giving away and moving out, I know it is time to move on. Now that the goodbyes have started, I am ready for them to be over.

I am not very good at goodbyes. I had my last class with the sophomore students that I have taught for two years. They sat their looking at me with such sad eyes. One of my students came up afterwards and tried to say how much they would miss me. “We love you,” she said. Yesterday a student came by the office to give me a gift and a letter that made me want to cry. She wrote, “At last, I’ve found a person to talk with, then she is about to leave…”

I know how much I like them and will miss them, but I don't understand how they love me so much. I do everything differently and half of the time wrong. I give them just a little bit of my time and then I go away. They know I am just passing through, but they still open themselves up and invite me in. I mean something to them; they have wanted me as their friend. I am amazed by how much they care.

Sometimes it seems like in America, anyone is willing to be your surface friend. You can hang out and join the group, but if you leave, no one really notices too much. People are always coming and going. It costs too much to really get attached to someone, especially when they are likely to leave you. People already have their close friends. In China, it takes a long time to break through the surface. But once you have broken through, you are accepted. You are important. You are not forgotten. People allow you to touch them and impact them. They allow themselves to need you and to be needed. I am saddened and amazed to realize that my leaving matters.

I can only hope they realize that they are important to me too. They are not just another student, another friend. I was the teacher, but they have taught me so much about the joys and sorrows of life, about the depth of the human heart. They have shown me that when two people become friends, no one goes away unchanged.

I can only hope that next year, I will be able to find people like I have found here.

My Life as a Nervous Breakdown

Last weekend I got to see Kevin again, this time with no Chinese hospitals involved. In fact, his back is looking amazingly better. I was so comforted to see that the huge, gaping holes have closed up into scars. Scars have never looked so good before.

Last weekend I also got to meet my future family for the first time! Kevin’s parents and brother came to visit China, so I went up to meet them in Beijing. When I told my students I would be going to meet the in-laws, they all gasped knowingly, as if I should already be shaking with apprehension. I think it is a slightly more intimidating experience in China. I wasn’t very
nervous about meeting them…maybe a little more nervous later when I remembered they were watching me to see what I was like. I told my students when I came back, “They appeared to like me and not think I was crazy.” They all laughed. Probably because they know I am crazy.

Anyway, I really like the Felts. Kevin’s mom, Pat, lived in Vietnam for a few years after college, and she had some interesting experiences to share about that. Kevin’s dad, Dave, has to get up at 4:30 every morning to commute to work. That stood out to me greatly, because it sounds absolutely dreadful! Kevin’s brother, Scott, possibly takes even more pictures than Kevin. Quite a feat. He is a really good photographer, too, and he took some good pictures of Kevin and me. I will have to put some up on flickr. I think it is really fun to finally have a brother. I always wanted a brother (despite growing up with Jessie and hearing all her horror stories about having four brothers J).

[Kevin's parents and brother]

We were busy running around Beijing seeing all the famous places. Fortunately the weather was good while we were there, not burning hot. If we got as much exercise every day as we did in those few days, we would be so healthy we would live forever. The whole travel part was stressful. I hope they figure out a way to make it slightly easier to get to things before the Olympics.

This weekend has been slightly calmer. The Brennans took a trip to Shanghai, so Logan has been team property for the past few days. I love Logan. He is really cute and fun. I don’t want to have a kid for a really long time. It is way too much work. Yesterday Logan put a piece of corn up his nose. Are these the sort of things that you just naturally learn how to deal with as a mother, or do you still feel clueless all the time? I was reading in some article that somehow in the whole pregnancy/childbirth process, the mother develops a higher level of certain hormones that help you deal with stress. I hope that’s true.

I don’t have a kid and I am already horrible when it comes to dealing with stress. If I make it through the next three weeks without a nervous breakdown, I will have reached new heights of mental and emotional stability. That is sounding pretty unreasonable at this point, so let me amend that statement: without any major/complete nervous breakdowns, not including the minor, semi-daily ones. Okay, perhaps that is more reasonable.

It’s mildly comforting to know that this is perhaps one of the most stressful periods of my life. I don’t know why that would be comforting, actually. When I think about the stress factor over the next weeks and months, it’s a little hard to breathe.

1. Over the next three weeks, I am trying to finish teaching and grading, give final exams, compile and turn in final grades; figure out what to take back to America, what to store here, and what to give away, and then pack it all accordingly; finish reading two or three books for Wheaton and do the pre-course assignments – well, figure out what the assignments are and then do them; say goodbye to all of my students, friends, and teammates that I have gotten to know so well over the past two years; move to a different country.
2. Once I get back to America, I will have one day to recover from all the stress/exhaustion/jetlag before starting one month of masters classes at Wheaton. If it is anything like last summer, it will be intense. Quite intense. Hard to do when you’re burnt out before you start.
3. After Wheaton, Kevin and I will go down to Georgia, where we will have a couple of weeks to try to figure out all the wedding plans we haven’t been able to while on the other side of the world, while catching back up with friends and family I haven’t seen for a year, and seeing all the people who are dying to meet Kevin.
4. After Georgia, Kevin and I will head out to California, where I will meet a bazillion new people, and we will look for a place to live and jobs – those kind of minor details.
5. After California, we will head back to Georgia to finish up last minute wedding stuff, and get married.
6. By the end of October, hopefully we will finally stop living out of suitcases. Then we can get used to being married, settle into our home, and start our new jobs, while I try to make some friends and try to remember how to find the grocery store.

So yeah, considering that everything in my life will be changing, baring Kevin and my collapsible giraffe toy (some things you just shouldn’t part with), I guess I have good reason to be stressed. I’m looking forward to most of these things as well (not so much the Wheaton work); stress isn’t always due to bad things. Most of the changes in my life are really good, really good. However, extreme levels of stress tend to make me pessimistic, shaky, and really irritable. So you should probably be glad you aren’t around me right now. Please find me funny. If you laugh, then I still feel a little sane.

[The two constants in my life: 1) Kevin, 2) Collapsible giraffe toy]

Leaving on a Z-Train

So I'm leaving in about an hour to head up to Beijing to finally meet Kevin's family for the first time! My teammates have been giving me all sorts of advice (mostly ridiculous) for "meeting the in-laws." Christina suggested I remember my proper verb tenses, after I talked about 2009 being "not so long ago." Corrine said I should pretend to have a face twitch. I said I have enough weird quirks that I hardly need to make any up. Matt and Andy, well, I won't repeat their ideas. But if you know either of them, you can pretty well imagine.
Anyway, it should be good. I am excited to hang out with them a little bit and see Kevin in the context of his family. I have to admit, I am even more excited to be with Kevin, even though I've seen him before. We just have one more time of separation until the end of this long distance thing!
We will probably go to all of the famous Beijing places - the Great Wall, Forbidden City, Summer Palace, etc. Ho-hum. Same old, same old. (I sound like such a culture snob. :) I will be able to take pictures again because Kevin is giving me one of his cameras to use since he has a cool new one to play around with. His brother Scott is also a serious photographer, so no doubt I will feel like a complete amateur.
We have definite plans to hit up Pete's Tex Mex, the best Mexican food and chocolate-peanut butter milkshakes in China. Actually, the best milkshake I've had ever. Same old, same old - but completely not ho-hum. We are staying at the Mac center, the center our organization has where we can go and stay pretty cheaply. I've never actually stayed there before, but I am excited because that place is sweet! It's like stepping out of China and into a whole other really nice world. Kevin said they even have dryers! There's luxury for you.
Well, my train leaves in about two hours. I plan on reading some really boring masters books and then drugging myself up with Dramamine and sleeping peacefully through the night. Or at least someone peacefully. Hopefully the people around me won't be smoking or drinking or singing loudly or any of that. Long underwear season is over, so they should keep all their clothes on. I appreciate that.
I'll put up some pictures when I get back!