Like any other day

This doesn't even fit together. But then neither do my thoughts or the events of this day. It was all scattered and confused and out of rythm. So then maybe this is fitting.

The sun just goes on shining,

Relentless,

Like it was any other day

For the sixteen story building,

The large, impressive building.

The same classroom building,

Where this morning

Students swarmed unconcerned

As policemen blocked their way.

“Class is cancelled,” they called,

Walking back to their dorms,

Laughing in discomfort,

Spreading troubled rumors,

In the sixteen story shadow

Of the large, impressive building,

Where this morning

Someone jumped.

So this is life,

This part called death.

An everyday suicide,

No big deal.

No cause for alarm.

Because what can you do?

How can you respond?

There is no grief here,

No tears, no questions.

Just a deep seated fear

Beneath a surface so smooth

It almost convinces.

But how can you ignore

Such a desperate cry?

I know I’m not the only one

Who is alone.

Who doesn’t know

What to do.

Who doesn’t understand

Why this anger.

Who doesn’t remember

How to cry.

Don’t you see

The pain behind the smiles?

Don’t you know

That the sun sometimes lies?

Don’t you understand

How no one’s left untouched?

Don’t you remember

How the darkness used

To laugh at you?

Here is something I’ll never understand:

How smiling makes everything okay,

How not saying it means it’s not true,

How ignoring a problem can make it go away.

Everyone knows what has happened.

Everyone knows what is true.

Everyone knows there’s a problem.

No one knows what to do.

So the sun just goes on shining.

This Calls for a Party (or Two)

I have been so bad about blogging that I have failed to tell you the recent most exciting news of Yangzhou. Pretend it is last Monday…

Christina and I walked in from a long day of classes late on Monday afternoon and knocked on Corrine’s door. She was just getting ready to tell Matt her groundbreaking discovery and was glad for a larger audience.

“I am going to tell you something really exciting. The first part is really good, but just wait, because the second part is even better. Today I accidentally got on the wrong bus and…I found the Starbucks! But guess what is right next door?? DAIRY QUEEN!!!” Three people were instantly jumping in the air yelling wildly.

We had been hearing rumors of a new Starbucks built in Yangzhou but hadn’t been able to confirm it. No one had even rumored of a Dairy Queen, not knowing that this piece of information would be vitally important to us.

I cried, “Let’s go! Let’s go right now!” The Hanings had to back out, but Christina and I dropped our teaching bags and headed out to celebrate. The free bus, which conveniently stops by campus every hour, brought us to a new, huge development on the outskirts of town. Right in the front of a massive, 4-story mall, the promised locations waited side by side. Starbucks. And Dairy Queen. Exciting, right? But you don’t understand how exciting. Imagine that coffee and ice cream are two of your favorite things in the world and your city just got its first really good coffee and ice cream.

Teachers in China have a scale for rating Chinese cities.

First, there is the KFC city. It is usually the first “western restaurant” to come.

Then, there is the KFC and McDonalds city.

Third, the KFC, McDonalds, and Pizza Hut city. This is where Yangzhou has been.

Moving on up, we have the KFC, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, and Starbucks city.

Only big cities have anything else. Huge cities. I have friends in major cities who do not have Dairy Queen. The only other Dairy Queen I’ve seen in China is in Beijing. Do you understand how incredible this is? Yangzhou, the little city of Yangzhou, has just moved up two gargantuan points on the rating scale. The mall itself was practically glittering in wealth. Christina and I wandered around gawking at the polished floors and exorbitantly expensive clothing…and the emptiness. I felt really rich just being there and really poor knowing I didn’t actually belong. I kept saying, “I can’t believe this is Yangzhou! I feel like I’m in Shanghai…or America!”

So on Monday, I ate an oreo blizzard. A blizzard. On Thurdsay, I ate a Georgia Mudfudge blizzard. I had to – it was Matt’s birthday. Tomorrow, I am planning to do some grading at Starbucks. Then I’ll lay off for a while before I go broke.

The beautiful

Today we had teachers tea. Each month we invite English department teachers over to visit. Usually only a few will come, but it has been a good way to finally become familiar with the other teachers. It’s good to have colleagues that you actually know and can talk to. We talked about differences between examinations, scholarships, and universities in China and America. We talked about weddings. One of the teachers had just gotten married, and another will be getting married the same week as I.

After teachers tea, I walked to the supermarket. When I went to pay for my groceries and handed the cashier a bill, he just stared at it, shaking his head in confusion. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with it. Maybe the little magnetic strip they look for was missing. What if I had counterfeit money? The cashier called his friend over to look. The friend also looked perplexed and said hesitantly, “RMB?” That was when I realized that I was trying to pay with Thai baht. They look so similar. Except for the picture of the king. I smiled sheepishly at the cashier, who looked relieved when I pulled out a Mao.

As I was walking back through campus, the wind kept flipping my hair up over my head and into my face. I wasn’t sure if people were staring because I was a foreigner or because my hair was going crazy. I was thinking about how out of place I feel and how I am getting tired of never being able to belong. I couldn’t ignore all the stares I was getting, all of the stares which make me feel more like a circus exhibit than a person.

And then I saw this little girl. She was riding side-saddle on the back of her mother’s bicycle, perfectly balanced without even holding on. She was perhaps seven or eight years old, but her face was a mix of innocence and serenity. I kept looking at her, a little mesmerized, and after a few seconds she looked at me as well. She just looked at me, straight in my eyes, like she was glad to see me, like she knew who I was. After a moment, she started to smile, a simple, knowing smile. A smile that seemed to say, “Today I know I am beautiful just because I am alive. Today we are just the same; we can see it in each other’s eyes.” I echoed her smile, a long, familiar smile, and we continued to watch each other until she rounded the corner into the distance. Those are the kind of things that give you faith in life.

Self Respect

I think I jumped a little when my greeting echoed back through the microphone. I am not used to speaking into a microphone. I am not used to standing behind a mammoth desk, using PowerPoint, or teaching in an auditorium-style classroom. At the start of the lecture there were about 50-60 students. A dozen freshmen students, who had just finished a listening exam, slipped in before the end.

I was happy to see a lot of my students there, even my ridiculously-busy sophomore students. I was pretty excited about the topic: self respect. It is amazing how these topics are related to topics we have covered in class lately: maturity, decisions, priorities, generation gap, gender roles…we didn’t even plan it that way!

My voice sounded a little strange to my ears, and it was harder to connect to the students when I was blocked off by a huge desk and unable to move through the aisles, but I quickly got comfortable and assumed my normal mix of seriousness and melodrama. I couldn’t wait to get to this one part where I told the students: You are valuable. I wished so much that if I said it enough times they would believe me. I looked out into their eyes and was a little amazed by the vulnerability I saw.

I was excited to tell them this because in last week’s lesson, over half of the girls said they would rather be men. At the last open house, some of my students told me that their parents or grandparents were disappointed that they were girls. Last semester, one of my students told me that I gave her the first hug she ever received. Last year, a student told me how her relatives had wanted to let her die so the family could have a boy. I wish I was making these things up.

A surprising number of students have talked about interpersonal struggles. How do I make friends? How do I get along with my roommates? My friend won’t talk to me, and I don’t know why. How can I feel connected with others? I am so shy...what can I do?

I understand insecurity. Who doesn’t, really? Today I was glad that I know what it feels like to constantly condemn yourself, to feel that you can never live up to your own impossibly high standards, to fear that even your friends will grow tired of you, to cringe when walking into a room, to feel unworthy to breathe air, to strive every day to be good enough to feel valuable. I’m grateful for that struggle because when I looked out into the eyes of these beautiful girls today, I could see that they know what it feels like too. These are the things that break my heart.

At the end of the hour, the students wrote down questions and headed off for dinner. “Thank you for the lecture,” they said. “What you said was good.” “We are looking forward to next week.” I am too. I think I was made for this.

Sex Ed...and a Good Bit More

Long distance engagement is kind of like throwing up for hours or being stuck in an airport – you feel like it’s never going to end. (And I said I was going to be more positive! Hmm…) As people around me keeping commenting, “I can’t believe that it’s April already!” and “Where has time gone?” I feel more like shouting, “March has been the longest month of my LIFE!” Maybe this sounds strange or rather over-dramatic, but it seems like a part of me is still back at the Bangkok airport crying my eyes out. It’s that part of me which all the time realizes something is not right, something is missing.

Not that I am unhappy. Overall, there are a lot of great things going on this semester. I’ve been enjoying teaching. I have been able to study with a couple of my students. I have gotten to help Logan perfect his air guitar while rocking to country classics. Thanks to Skype and Kevin’s improved internet service, Kevin and I have been able to talk a lot. My mom and Anna are helping a ton with all the not-so-fun wedding planning details.

And an opportunity our team has been waiting for finally opened up—we have started presenting a series of lectures on “Maturity, Morality, and Modern Life.” Last Wednesday’s trial lecture was actually advertised as “A Western Woman’s Perspective on Sex,” which sounds much more interesting but is not quite as representative of all the topics we plan to cover.

I am really excited about this lecture series. Who ever thought that I would be so excited about sex ed? It is more than that, of course. We are covering topics like maturity, self respect, moral values, relationships, sex, risks, AIDS, and intimacy. I am excited because there is almost a complete void of any kind of sex education.

We had a conversation about this with some students at open house last semester. Most of them said they never heard anything about it in school (except perhaps vague references in science class) or from their parents; they have learned from TV, movies, and the internet. Probably half of their ideas about modern relationships come from TV shows like “Friends,” which seems to be the model for all things modern and western. That is scary. There is a strange mix of Victorian modesty of past society and the “openness” of modern society. Students are caught in the middle. Most of them were not allowed to date in high school and were under strict control of parents and teachers. Suddenly they are in university, eager to date and pretty clueless as to what they are getting into. What concerns me is not just that there is little education about sex or AIDS, there is no moral education either. No guidelines, no talk of physical and emotional risks, no understanding of why someone should consider abstinence.

I have read statistics that in a few years (I don’t remember exactly), China will have more HIV-positive people than all of Sub-Saharan Africa. I have heard students say they are afraid to talk about relationship problems with their roommates because they don’t want to get in trouble. I have read stories about girls, not so long ago, who were raped and didn’t even know what was going on. I have seen troubled students who I suspected to be pregnant, and there was nothing I could say. It kills me to think about my students, who I view somewhere between my children and my friends, going out into this world completely vulnerable. All of these things scare me.

That is why I am excited about these lectures. Tomorrow I am going to be presenting, talking about “Self Respect and Moral Values.” Be thinking of that, will you? And I’ll keep you posted…